Ugly gay dating

From my observations over the years, gay men can be very unforgiving when it comes to judging different body types that people have—even more so than straight men.

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Many gay men spend a lot of time in the gym hoping to look like ancient Greek gods someday. Your fashion sense and how you carry yourself matter too, especially in big cities like Jakarta. But maybe because looking for approval is something that comes naturally in me, I need affirmations too sometimes. I think many people will agree. I got in touch with other gay men to learn what their journey to self love is like.


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I have always been undermined because of my appearance. Once, someone called me ugly to my face.

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Other people have eagerly asked to meet in real life but once we did, they looked for any excuse to get out of the date. Besides to become healthy, I also want to fit in with the gay community here.

I take care of myself by working out, wearing better outfits that flatter my body, and keeping a skincare routine. But then again, all those efforts have paid paid off now. Then Grindr came and boom—my self-esteem dropped so low. It made me change my looks. I started to wear more casual and masculine clothes—no more crop tops.

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I also stopped dyeing my hair. But now I realized that it was such a stupid decision. I have heard all the insults— fat, chubby, ugly.

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It hurt, actually. There were times in which I challenged them to meet me so they could say that shit to my face. But they just blocked me every time. This image obsessed culture also affects us deeply as individuals as well as altering our gaze. Of course, the desire to be physically attractive is completely healthy and human, we seek to make ourselves appealing to others in order to form connections. However as gay men we seem to have confused who we are with how we look.

On four separate occasions whilst working boys have shown me their stomachs, bound up in cling film to conceal their bellies beneath their t-shirts for the night.

Cherie Fox, 25

I know boys who long for surgery. I know boys who have thrown up after meals. The amount of gay men with eating disorders has skyrocketed, and chemsex, the alarming phenomenon of gay men using hard drugs to facilitate prolonged partying and rampant sex, to me indicates something disturbing that even a tiny subculture of gay men need drugs to bolster their ability to be intimate.

It is such a deep-rooted problem that there is no immediate solution to. Maybe considering that there might be a problem within our culture as gay men would be a step towards a solution in itself.

You should also try to be kinder to yourselves and how you relate to your body, and kinder in how you perceive and react to the bodies and souls around you, and consider what it is about other gay men around you that incites your attraction, or repulsion, and what that shows you about yourself. These are all infinitesimally small steps out of the mud, but would begin to improve the mental health and quality of life of our community. I personally hang around with all kinds of lovely creatives and weirdos and find the flourishing queer scene in Birmingham a fulfilling place to be.

Images — Tyler Schoeber.

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